I come face-to-face with my addictive personality and my controlling nature. I see loud and clear my need to fix things and offer the right answer.
In this moment, I am powerless.
That is always where God needs me to be. . .I just forget sometimes and think that somehow I am running the show. I mistakenly believe that I have a handle on things.
The word for right now is grace.
What does that mean to me? It means that no matter how many times I fall on my face, God still loves me. It means that He already knows that answer. It means that it is not about how I look, how much I accomplish, or what I do. It is not about works. It is not about how much I earn. It is not about my title or my website or my success. It is also not about my failures.
I am waiting. I am in the midst of a very painful life lesson. All I can do is pray. Prayer is the answer. It is my guide. I have done everything else that I can do right now.
I must sit in the discomfort and feel my feelings. I lean into God. I type my prayers, speak my prayers, get on my knees. I pour my prayers out onto this iPad right now.
The waiting feels endless.
I am not good at waiting. I am in the midst of one of the most painful few weeks of waiting that I have ever experienced. I messed up big time. I am praying for mercy. . .for a pass. I am leaning into God for grace.
I am praying for peace, but I am not feeling peaceful. I am seeking answers and resolution. I want to run away from this feeling, but the truth is that I cannot. No amount of booze would wash it down. No amount of food can take it away. I still feel it in my gut, and I still must wait.
Pain is not pretty. It feels like a knife in my gut. A twisting slow turn of the knife. Facing myself over the past days has been a challenge. I want to escape from me. I want to have someone to blame.
Have I learned my lesson? I sure hope so. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I am praying that no matter what it is, I will be strong enough to walk through it. I am praying that God will walk it with me “one day at a time.” I am praying for grace and the willingness to surrender my agenda.
I have never been in a situation like the one I am in right now. I have never prayed what I am praying right now.
Dear God, you know what I am praying. You know the answer I want and the current circumstances. You know my feelings and my lack of feelings. You know my heart’s desire and how long I have waited. You know where I am and where I am going. You know my deep aches and secret tears.
I pray for forgiveness and mercy. I pray for wisdom and grace. I pray for Your will to be done.
I ask for your help.
I am yours.
Diane Cunningham is the Founder and President of the National Association of Christian Women Entrepreneurs. She is a “business therapist,” plane crash survivor, author, consultant, speaker, marathon runner, and fun friend. Find out more about NACWE and why 165 women joined in the first year at www.NACWE.org. Connect with Diane at her Facebook page for fun updates, silly videos, and lively conversation.