I am afraid. You might not see it, but it is very real to me. I deal with it well, because I am used to it as an entrepreneur. I have learned to manage it and walk through it daily. I walk through it with my business. The chaos swirls around me, and I clear away the dust and shine bright!
Yet, it is still lurking. It is in the back rooms of my personal life that it comes out in a load roar. The fear is bigger there. It captures me.
I am loveable.
I am valuable, loveable, worthy to be embraced. It is my fear that holds me hostage. It is my wondering if you can handle me. . .the real me. . .the secret me.
The me that is hungry and loud.
The me that has dishes in her sink, papers and binders on her office floor.
The me that talks a lot and wants attention.
The me that is afraid of being vulnerable, because she is the one that is a leader for the public group.
The me that wants you to know that I need help, and I don’t know how to ask for it.
The me that hates spreadsheets, can’t cook, and really cares less about politics.
Will you love me? Her? That girl?
Or will I be “too much” or “intimidating”?
Can you keep up with me? I am too tired and can’t drag anyone with me anymore. . .been there done that. I have a lot of the t-shirts.
I am committed to embracing the hundred forms of fear. They will not win, and they will not steal my life from me.
At a recent retreat I attended, we had an exercise on fear. We were asked to name our fear and write down it down in sharpie on a rock.
My rock says fear of being alone and fear of being loved.
These two might seem like opposites, but they are both very real and true for me. As I walked through the feelings, I had to come up with a first step to write on the other side of the rock. The other side of my rock now says let myself be loved.
I am ready. I am willing. I am peeling off the layers. The right person will love all of me—the good and the bad (or the parts I think I need to hide).
Thank you God for creating me, loving me, and always helping me get to the next place!
Diane Cunningham is the Founder and President of the National Association of Christian Women Entrepreneurs. She is a “business therapist,” plane crash survivor, author, consultant, speaker, marathon runner, and fun friend. Find out more about NACWE and why 165 women joined in the first year at www.NACWE.org. Connect with Diane at her Facebook page for fun updates, silly videos, and lively conversation.